Today these two super girls are sucking the life out of me. Jeannie asked if I wanted a break today ( meaning she hold a girl for five minutes while I regain my sanity). I said "no I just want to run off into the hills and never come back." I know someday I will say they are the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't imagine life without them, but today is not that day, and tomorrow isn't looking good either. Thank you to those of you who just say "it must be hard" that means so much. A little compassion and understanding. I know people have it, have had it, and will have it way harder than we do. However this is our reality right now. I know no different. I just know that having twin daughters is kicking my ass right now. It is also kicking my marriage in the ass.
Luckily Jeannie and I have a strong bond that I believe can withstand most anything. I am slowly regaining sanity because Jeannie just left with Maggie and I put Phoebe down for a nap so I have a few precious moments to communicate my thoughts. For those of you that know me , I am about as real as it gets and I am not gonna lie and sugar coat how I feel. I love these girls dearly but man it is tough.
One amazing part of my life is that I get to go out and play music for a living. My job is awesome and helps me stay alive, but it does not recharge me. I love hanging with people and having relationships and right now I have none but my three girls which is really hard for a social extravert like myself. I know this is just a season and things will change. I don't believe anymore that they will get easier , just different.
Having twin daughters does teach you a life lesson about patience and selfishness. I am starting to become more selfless which is probably a good thing. Realizing that my life is not my own and I have to help two other life forms who could not survive without me, crazy I...... HOLY CRAP PHOEBE CAN"T BE WAKING UP... is has been 20 F$%%king minutes. Please pray I don't throw her out the window!!!
Hugs and Kisses
6 comments:
Being a stay at home Mom of 3 young boys, I totally get how you are feeling. Although it's obviously different, I can still totally sympathize with what you are going through. I can't even imagine twins! Your right, it is a hard, tiring, frustrating, and happy season of your guys life as a family. Believe it or not, you guys will look back when they are bigger and wish they were little again. I do that too, but I always say, "but for maybe an hour" and then it's nice to have bigger and able to do some things for themselves! Hang in there Matt! I'm sure your a great Dad and are doing a great job!! Probably doesn't make you feel better at all, but I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you guys!!
Ahhh-do you know how many F-bleeepppss Y-bleeps we had in the middle of the night-but tomorrow's another day-you gotta get those girls outta the house-get on some sort of routine, screaming, hungry, dirty, whatever- just get out for a morning walk-then food, then nap-they will adjust and get on some sort of routine or you will lose your mind!! you can do it-be The MASTER-show them whose in control ha ha ha hhhaaaaa -( said in an insane man who has twin daughter's voice)if it's cooled down-go to the ghetto park in the afternoon and just lay them on a blanket staring up at the trees-something to get you out again so you have some set "schedule"-toughen those ladies up :) just my two cents mister-but yes, this is a hard time-hang in there!! sorry I had to leave you staring at our ugly old house and can't come help you :(
Come drink wine. On me! It really works.
Matt... I don't have twin girls, but I have learned recently w/ Reece how incredibly hard (mentally, physically, socially, emotionally) it is to be on duty 24/7. In fact, I just had a melt-down w/ Eric about how I need to be able to "unplug" for longer than those dear 5 minutes of help :'). I'm also a very social person, so being home by myself all day is really REALLY REEEAAALLLY hard-- and has messed w/ my mood considerably. I wish I could say I was on the other side of it, but I'm not... I am trying to find the balance of Mommy Sierra, Wife Sierra, ME Sierra... to find a smile that's MINE, that I can tuck away when I need to remember what I used to look like when I could shower and do my makeup, that I know how to tear it up on the dance floor when some good tunes are playing & really AM a good time still (!) & not some grouchy old maid, and that I'm interesting and contribute more than just hands to change a diaper/feed a hungry mouth/fold laundry etc etc. I will say this: Reece just turned 8 months, and I'm just now feeling like we are finding SOME rhythm. He's interacting back w/ me, and I'm not going to lie, it feels good to know in his little baby ways that he loves me and appreciates me, instead of just always responding to unhappy baby cries. It is true when they say it gets easier, and you fall more and more and more in love as time goes on.
So... if you want to add someone to your private vent/support group, I'm here <3! I'm looking at starting some classes where I can meet other parents, starting next week: YMCA swim, Gym for babies etc. and going on daily walks. I'll let you know if that helps (I hear it does) :) Also, it *may* be worth it to find an adult gym that provides daycare. We have one here that for the price of $30/mo (per child), you get 2 hours a day...Even if all you do is pass out in the lounge chairs by the pool-- it's the cheapest daycare/break around ;).
Much love to all four of you. You are with NO DOUBT an amazing Dad, and Jeannie and amazing Mom (I know it feels good to hear it). And, more importantly, this is totally normal... just not many people are willing to talk about it.
You're in good company. Hugs, Si
If it counts for anything, you got me laughing....because what you say is so true about having just one and you have two! Drink a couple of cocktails, sometimes that's all you can do.
Matt,
I've always appreciated your honesty. I think it is good for me to hear, and I'm sure it's good for you to express yourself fully. Also, it takes a lot of courage to be so honest. :)
Niki
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